What are the reasons for being unfaithful?
Why do we cheat? By studying the question in men, I found the origin of the infidelity of male identity issues. The need to value one’s virility, the fear of suffocation, the afraid to committhe attachment to his youth and his friends, a certain fear of women, the narcissistic need to feel up to it. When a man cheats on his wife, it’s most of the time linked to his own story and not to the woman he has in front of him.
The motivations that often recur among women revolve around the pitfalls of motherhood (where, for men, we find the pitfalls of virility): confinement in marriage, lack of shared interests with the companion, the wear of the exclusive parental function, the need to have fun…
Why is it so hard to be faithful?
To be faithful is to renew each day the promise we have made to stay together. This is not obvious. When we engage we burn with the flame of the beginnings and this state of love can deceive about the durability of our affection. Moreover, we change, we evolve… we are not the same ten years later. So of course, if the couple helps us to flourish, we can easily be faithful. On the contrary, if the couple costs us, if we haven’t solved our childhood problems, we can look for ways out of the family commitment which is very demanding. What lasting traumas can the deceived person suffer?
Being cheated often wakes up old traumas : if we suffer a lot, it is usually because childhood wounds are reactivated. Otherwise, one suffers, but there will nevertheless be no lasting trauma. We are disappointed, we are hurt but we recover from it. This provokes a crisis in the couple, but it does not jeopardize everyone’s balance.
Can we regain full confidence in our relationship after an episode of infidelity?
We can restore a more lucid, less childish trust. A trust from adult to adult and not from child to parent. Because yes, the couple crisis can make the relationship mature. For this, you really have to seek a new mode of relationship by provoking speech. Communication is fundamental to grow from this ordeal and everyone must be able to explain themselves.
What are the steps to go through to recover from a deception?
There is a time for everything. A time to cry, to suffer. A time to think about getting out of the couple crisis, a time for reconciliation. A time for anger. A time to soothe emotional and narcissistic wounds. On the affective level, it is above all a question of accepting not having been for a time the only love, the only center of affection of the other. If you are not a prisoner of your experience, you go beyond this stage. On the narcissistic level, one must be able go beyond shame the look of those who know you “cuckold”. You get stronger, but the time it takes varies from person to person.
How do you forgive yourself for infidelity?
Give yourself time to talk and cry. To do this, do not hesitate to get help if you have gone through painful episodes during childhood (a disappointing or absent father, separated parents, etc.). You must then take the time to examine your relationship and your relationship to love: aren’t you too dependent on the other? Too vulnerable? Even as a couple, we can and we must, have a life of one’s own.
Can you thrive on infidelity?
Everything exists. Women who stay with their man even if they know he’s unfaithful, men who love their wives but still need extramarital affairs. Everything is possible, there is no standard pattern. But we suffer less when we accept the idea that life as a couple is not linear and that there is not just one model. The reality is complex. In “real life”, couples that last go through ups and downs and end up not find their balance.
